I am trapped... all around me.

Symbols strewn together in intentional order to create meaning and significance... this is all so magical and lovely... yet so very dangerous. These symbols, that you're deciphering, lead us on a road.. linear lines to linear reason.. creating individualistic thought, and individualistic self. This is the result of hundreds of years of a media rut.
The printing press really has done a number (or letter) on us. I crave true community, but I, but we, have been pressed into an anti-community being by the very way we communicate. We've gone away from a tribal and community based mentality, mostly the result of our own perceived intellect. What is the mother of all learning... text book or experience?... solitude or conversation? Where has 20th century media brought us; further away from each other... more alone.
"You are more connected than ever!" cry the online social network and cell phone. And they may be right... but what sort of connection does the soul cry for? The arms-length shallow connection given from symbols strewn together on a screen, or the intimacy of personal conversation... when I can see the way your nose wiggles between thoughts and your eyes sharpen as I confess my past. We are begging to feel connection... to God, to the Earth, to each other. This isn't a cry to leave technology and modern media behind, but more of a "wake up!" Lets not be so ignorant and examine the mediums by which we connect... "The message is in the medium" - Marshall McLuhan.

Clearly you may think myself a hypocrite writing these words on the pages of a screen, and certainly I feel like one. I am a prisoner to what's around me. Because I can write things down and place thoughts outside of myself, I think I can be objective and free...
I am Not objective
I can not be
Experience has it's finger prints all over me.

I can not simply jump from where I am to the finish line. This is simply the start... to the finish of something that is surely beautiful.

e m d o e f r s i i n h c r s t i l n a o e

I am poured out... I am tired... and I'm sick.
I am sustained... I am hopeful... I am rich.
I am broken... I am spilled... I am growing.
I am rooted... I am fruitful... I am open.
I am allegory... I am rhythm... I am played.
I am flesh... I am heart... I am bone.
I am spirit... I am soul... I am not my own.
...Jesus...

Depth Perception

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For some odd reason depth-perception has been on my mind. So I'm about to ramble on for quite some time trying to process what I've been thinking, which could certainly amount to nothing... so if you'd rather not deal with the ramblings, feel free to be on your way... if you're even slightly intrigued, lets continue. Depth is something that makes the dimensions of our world… without depth the dimensions of our world would certainly be boring… and our world would certainly be something else. Perception is the human goggle… it is how we understand our current state-of-being through our senses, mind, and soul.

Normally when depth-perception enters my mind I immediately think of distances between objects that are away from myself. As in when, imagine now, looking out the window you can see that the clouds in the sky are farther away than the tree in your yard, and even so that the tree is farther from you than the children playing in the yard.

Now what is it that makes depth-perception possible? The first two things that enter my mind: movement and light. Movement because as I look at the sky and the tree I can see the clouds moving behind the tree, and just the same with the children playing in front of the tree. Even the movement caused by the blowing wind within the tree allows me to see the depth within the tree itself… those branches and leaves which are further and those which are closer. And light because the shades and shadows brought out by light allow me to recognize depth all the more. The shades of green throughout the tree and the shadows that are cast by the leaves, branches, and trunk allow me to see exactly what position the tree is in.

What would our world be like without depth… and more so… movement and light? Maybe that’s not quite conceivable… how about a world with less depth, less movement, and less light? When I first think of a world without movement I think of a picture… a still-world. But even within that image I can see some depth. Now I can picture the light slowly dimming out of the still-world and noticing the depth also fading away. And now I think I picture something a lot like Hell. Is it possible that Hell is the complete lack and disappearance of depth?

I guess all this has me realizing that God is the God of Infinite Depth… and that our perceiving the smallest bit of that depth is one of the many graces we all receive while in this life. The human goggle, the senses, the mind, the depth… such blessing we receive… such glory to His Name be. Makes me think of the Biblical story and its depth… the creation, the man, the woman, the temptation, the fall, the chosen people, the slavery, the exodus, the deliverance, the desert, the testing, the promise land, the stiff-necked, the prophetic Word, the Savior, the healing, the ever-so-full-of-depth parables, the miracles, the bread, the wine, the cross, the broken-body, the blood, the redemption, the resurrection, the commission, the Spirit, the Church, the mistakes, the never-ending grace, the you, the me, the never-ending story. It is amazing to think of the interconnection and depth of the whole Story… and to think that this is only how it begins.

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Father awe
in all...

Your creation is
groaning.

Come Light
Shine.. Amen.

Tonight... hearts are breaking and dying...
And tonight... hearts are being restored and born anew.
This is the endless cycle we go through...
with dormant eras of numbness and locked doors...
and hopeful changes with all sensation and welcoming.
But most often times when love is dying...
O' how we seek and yearn for that love that never fails...
never ends...
...that love...
is of the rarest of finds in this life.
So I can only hope that death will bring us all to such eternal Love...
...and I hope we are all ready to receive it.


-Just some writings of old.

"You are a tree.
A beautiful tree... and you are your own tree... with your own different and unique characteristics. Branches that spread and flourish... yet no fruit is being produced. You certainly look like a tree that's different... but how will you be recognized without any fruit? How will you live on without the reproductive seeds within fruit?

Matthew 7:16-21

'By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? Likewise every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them. Not everyone who says to me 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.'"

I'm honestly scared.

True Restoration

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I’ve been contemplating a lot lately… about my desire to see things in this world restored… about what it looks like when the Kingdom is here… and as strange as it sounds… how this relates to Jesus. That sounds terrible… but it’s true. I get to conjuring up these ideals of restoration and Kingdom and what it might look like here and now, and I forget to connect the dots to Jesus. Needless to say… this has lead to the serious questioning of my ideals for restoration and Kingdom.

I hear of these of social justice movements, non-profit groups, and humanitarian organizations… so many of them doing beautiful things that are restoring parts of this world… and I clap my hands… and I get excited… and I want to go help. There is nothing wrong with this… except for the fact that too often I forget Jesus as being the focal point of restoration.

I’ve thought hard lately… about what if all my ideals were to be fulfilled. What if these social justice movements, non-profits, and humanitarians spread throughout the world and brought about equality, peace, justice, and prosperity for literally everyone in the world? What if the AIDS epidemic was conquered? What if everyone on earth had clean drinking water? What if we all feasted like kings?... or at least like middle-class Americans.. What if we cured cancer? What if the sex-trade was a thing of the past? What if all these things were accomplished aside from Jesus?

First you might argue that these things wouldn’t ever be accomplished, especially aside from Jesus, and I would agree. But what if they were accomplished… what if there was a group or a person… some political genius who could bring about equality, peace, justice, and prosperity for the world… aside from Jesus. Well… that certainly sounds something like an anti-Christ to me. Sure… all my ideals for restoration would be realized… but what about God’s Kingdom?

So this leads me to honestly question these social justice movements, non-profits, and humanitarians. I have to admit… and I have to believe… that aside from Christ… the best these groups can do is slap band-aids on fatal injuries. Is it possible that we could fix all things that are temporary… and still have made no progress? Can you restore or save a life without a true Redeemer or Savior? Surely we ourselves have the potential to restore and redeem… but does it ever last?

This leads me to believe that honestly the best thing we can do for a person… is show and speak to them the good news of Jesus Christ. Does that mean that all social justice movements, non-profit groups, and humanitarian organizations are completely invalid?.. Certainly not. But I would argue that they’ll have no lasting significance if their focus remains away from Christ.

So I have to believe that the Kingdom here and now might not look like I expect it. It might not be a prosperous place where everyone is quaint and nice. The Kingdom might be in a place enduring many hardships and heavy oppression. The Kingdom might be a poverty stricken neighborhood. But I know that wherever it is…it is a place where Christ is exclaimed as Lord and Savior… and I have to believe that through whatever hardships and oppressive forces these places are dealing with… knowing Christ is what gets them through… knowing Christ is what restores and redeems them.

True Restoration is from God… to not believe so is to shame the glory of Christ. I could jump on every restoration movement for the rest of my life, but can I… can we… mere human beings… bring full restoration to this world… to ourselves? I don’t believe so. Does this mean that I’m going to stop trying to help people out and bring about some restoration?... No! But I will recognize that true restoration comes through Christ and the Holy Spirit… and I also need recognize that this true restoration… is the only lasting restoration I can offer a person… and that is the gospel of Jesus. Knowing and worshiping Jesus is simply the best we can do. One day He will return… He will establish His Kingdom by His Own Will… “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” What could I possibly offer greater than this? My hope and trust will forever lie with Him.

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How could you not respond to His Love?
Is it possible to experience and realize This Love,
and yet be unchanged?
When I really ponder Such Love...
I get this welling between my heart and stomach...
half receiving and being nourished by Thy Love,
and half hungering and bleeding to act on Heavenly Love.
I couldn't hoard it even if I wanted to...
Simply breathe and exhale Peace-Giving Love.

There has been this tension dwelling within me for awhile now… it has caused quite a bit of uncomfort and a little bit of pain. I hadn’t been able to shed any light on the situation until just recently. The tension seems to be caused by the friction between my bone-deep feelings to be a responsible person… and my soul consuming desire to fully pursue, know, and love Christ. What struck me sideways about this realization was the fact that both of these characteristics within me seem to be very good things.

Responsibility was sewn and carved into my being by my father from the day I was born… and I honestly couldn’t be happier for it. My dad’s character of responsibility shined in every aspect of his life… and I watched… and I listened… and I learned. I could never repay him for the lessons he taught me... half of which he didn’t intend to teach.

The friction hits every time I read and listen to the Word. Every time I do, I hear the beckoning… ‘Follow me, let the dead buy their own… don’t worry what you will eat or drink or how you will dress… go sell your possessions…’ I believe what He says is good… and I know that what He says will bring about true life. However, all the things I hear scream irresponsibility… and I do not know how to deal with that. I don’t know how to discard responsibility in the process of seeking Him… or if I really even need to. It certainly doesn’t seem that being a responsible person would draw me away from Christ… but I can see how it does. I hold such an emphasis on being personally responsible that it really doesn’t leave much room for trust… and I really think that this is what all this is pointing to… trust. Do I really trust that what He says is good?.. Do I really trust that He’ll take care of me?.. Do I really trust that He loves me and will never leave me? If I am answering ‘Yes’ and really believing it… then I would have to think that this tension within me would be dissolved.. or be at least a little less uncomfortable.

I’ve been struggling and wrestling with an issue for awhile now, and just recently it has been hitting hard, so much so that I cannot seem to push it out of my mind. It’s this thought of evangelism. Even typing the word brings up feelings and words of negativity. I think of something that is anti-relational, agenda-pushing, and ineffective. For the most part, I pretty much shut my mind down at any mention of it… or I react harshly against it. But lately… I’ve been entertaining thoughts… I’m trying to be open about it… but it sucks.

What I’m realizing is… if I’m really trying to be honest with myself… is that I’m really turned away from the thought of evangelism because I’m told that I’m suppose to do it… and that in actually sharing my faith (the gospel) I will be very uncomfortable. I’m realizing this because when I hear of other people evangelizing, for the most part, I really don’t have a problem… in fact it usually makes me glad… and it is this that made me realize that negative connotations of evangelism come mostly when I think of evangelism applied to myself. Now I have argued with myself, and other believers, that evangelism really isn’t for everyone… that God will call and move the Holy Spirit to those He will use for evangelism. This only made sense to me because of Paul… he was very much sought out to evangelize through a Divine intervention which turned his life upside down… and of course… I’ve no experience like that in my life… so I suppose I’m not called to evangelize.

Up to this point this has really been my view toward evangelism… good for those who do it, just not for me. This led me to not only never sharing what was fully good within my life with people who I wasn’t sure knew Christ, but usually directing the conversation away from it. The problem with this is that I’m feeling like I’m lying to myself… like Christ really isn’t that good… or worse… He is only good for me. I’ve really felt stuck in this lately… because I get such a sick feeling when I think about going around with the sole purpose to share what I hold to be True in a seemingly unloving and uncaring way… but I also shouldn’t be suppressing it… certainly if it is something or someone truly Good.

The conclusion that I’ve come to just this hour… is that what I really need to do… is that I have to become a whole person in Christ, as Christ is wholly in me. I can no longer separate evangelism over there and me over here. In fact, there really need be no need for the word ‘evangelism.’ If I am to be wholly in Christ, this should be a natural and integrated part of my life. Not only should the simplicity of my being be screaming His good news, I should also be not afraid to use words when necessary. If I am to be wholly in Christ, prayer and the Spirit will inevitably lead to situations where I am drawing those around me closer to Him whom I know… and I don’t want to do this in a cool and trendy manner, where I am only going to great extents to accomplish this, like flying around the world to third-world countries or going to bars and the homeless on the streets… while certainly that is all great… but why should I shy away from the ignorant-upper-middle-class American or any other person for that matter. I will simply be who I am (and I am in Christ) in all situations to all those who surround me… and I should only hope that Christ will reach out from inside of me to bring them to knowing Him… for I do believe that He is Wholly Good… and worth knowing.