There has been this tension dwelling within me for awhile now… it has caused quite a bit of uncomfort and a little bit of pain. I hadn’t been able to shed any light on the situation until just recently. The tension seems to be caused by the friction between my bone-deep feelings to be a responsible person… and my soul consuming desire to fully pursue, know, and love Christ. What struck me sideways about this realization was the fact that both of these characteristics within me seem to be very good things.

Responsibility was sewn and carved into my being by my father from the day I was born… and I honestly couldn’t be happier for it. My dad’s character of responsibility shined in every aspect of his life… and I watched… and I listened… and I learned. I could never repay him for the lessons he taught me... half of which he didn’t intend to teach.

The friction hits every time I read and listen to the Word. Every time I do, I hear the beckoning… ‘Follow me, let the dead buy their own… don’t worry what you will eat or drink or how you will dress… go sell your possessions…’ I believe what He says is good… and I know that what He says will bring about true life. However, all the things I hear scream irresponsibility… and I do not know how to deal with that. I don’t know how to discard responsibility in the process of seeking Him… or if I really even need to. It certainly doesn’t seem that being a responsible person would draw me away from Christ… but I can see how it does. I hold such an emphasis on being personally responsible that it really doesn’t leave much room for trust… and I really think that this is what all this is pointing to… trust. Do I really trust that what He says is good?.. Do I really trust that He’ll take care of me?.. Do I really trust that He loves me and will never leave me? If I am answering ‘Yes’ and really believing it… then I would have to think that this tension within me would be dissolved.. or be at least a little less uncomfortable.

I’ve been struggling and wrestling with an issue for awhile now, and just recently it has been hitting hard, so much so that I cannot seem to push it out of my mind. It’s this thought of evangelism. Even typing the word brings up feelings and words of negativity. I think of something that is anti-relational, agenda-pushing, and ineffective. For the most part, I pretty much shut my mind down at any mention of it… or I react harshly against it. But lately… I’ve been entertaining thoughts… I’m trying to be open about it… but it sucks.

What I’m realizing is… if I’m really trying to be honest with myself… is that I’m really turned away from the thought of evangelism because I’m told that I’m suppose to do it… and that in actually sharing my faith (the gospel) I will be very uncomfortable. I’m realizing this because when I hear of other people evangelizing, for the most part, I really don’t have a problem… in fact it usually makes me glad… and it is this that made me realize that negative connotations of evangelism come mostly when I think of evangelism applied to myself. Now I have argued with myself, and other believers, that evangelism really isn’t for everyone… that God will call and move the Holy Spirit to those He will use for evangelism. This only made sense to me because of Paul… he was very much sought out to evangelize through a Divine intervention which turned his life upside down… and of course… I’ve no experience like that in my life… so I suppose I’m not called to evangelize.

Up to this point this has really been my view toward evangelism… good for those who do it, just not for me. This led me to not only never sharing what was fully good within my life with people who I wasn’t sure knew Christ, but usually directing the conversation away from it. The problem with this is that I’m feeling like I’m lying to myself… like Christ really isn’t that good… or worse… He is only good for me. I’ve really felt stuck in this lately… because I get such a sick feeling when I think about going around with the sole purpose to share what I hold to be True in a seemingly unloving and uncaring way… but I also shouldn’t be suppressing it… certainly if it is something or someone truly Good.

The conclusion that I’ve come to just this hour… is that what I really need to do… is that I have to become a whole person in Christ, as Christ is wholly in me. I can no longer separate evangelism over there and me over here. In fact, there really need be no need for the word ‘evangelism.’ If I am to be wholly in Christ, this should be a natural and integrated part of my life. Not only should the simplicity of my being be screaming His good news, I should also be not afraid to use words when necessary. If I am to be wholly in Christ, prayer and the Spirit will inevitably lead to situations where I am drawing those around me closer to Him whom I know… and I don’t want to do this in a cool and trendy manner, where I am only going to great extents to accomplish this, like flying around the world to third-world countries or going to bars and the homeless on the streets… while certainly that is all great… but why should I shy away from the ignorant-upper-middle-class American or any other person for that matter. I will simply be who I am (and I am in Christ) in all situations to all those who surround me… and I should only hope that Christ will reach out from inside of me to bring them to knowing Him… for I do believe that He is Wholly Good… and worth knowing.