There has been this tension dwelling within me for awhile now… it has caused quite a bit of uncomfort and a little bit of pain. I hadn’t been able to shed any light on the situation until just recently. The tension seems to be caused by the friction between my bone-deep feelings to be a responsible person… and my soul consuming desire to fully pursue, know, and love Christ. What struck me sideways about this realization was the fact that both of these characteristics within me seem to be very good things.

Responsibility was sewn and carved into my being by my father from the day I was born… and I honestly couldn’t be happier for it. My dad’s character of responsibility shined in every aspect of his life… and I watched… and I listened… and I learned. I could never repay him for the lessons he taught me... half of which he didn’t intend to teach.

The friction hits every time I read and listen to the Word. Every time I do, I hear the beckoning… ‘Follow me, let the dead buy their own… don’t worry what you will eat or drink or how you will dress… go sell your possessions…’ I believe what He says is good… and I know that what He says will bring about true life. However, all the things I hear scream irresponsibility… and I do not know how to deal with that. I don’t know how to discard responsibility in the process of seeking Him… or if I really even need to. It certainly doesn’t seem that being a responsible person would draw me away from Christ… but I can see how it does. I hold such an emphasis on being personally responsible that it really doesn’t leave much room for trust… and I really think that this is what all this is pointing to… trust. Do I really trust that what He says is good?.. Do I really trust that He’ll take care of me?.. Do I really trust that He loves me and will never leave me? If I am answering ‘Yes’ and really believing it… then I would have to think that this tension within me would be dissolved.. or be at least a little less uncomfortable.